Hey, everyone. Anthony Fantano here, the internet's busiest music nerd.

I regret to inform you that music journalism is in the toilet. Music discussion, discourse, reviews, all of it. It's garbage now. It's terrible. It's hitting an all-time low. It's worse than it's ever been. That is objectively true based on my subjective opinion. You have to agree because I have the facts to back this claim up.

Right here, a new review from... What is this? Pitchfork for the new Will Smith album, Based on a True Story.

Now, I personally, being the thoughtful and thorough music reviewer that I am, am still digesting this album. It's a very personal and dense work. I really have no set date right now for release of this review. This is a record that's going to take me a while to chew over and make heads or tails of, honestly.

The layers narratively and conceptually on this one, crazy. In fact, I think the average person listening to this album, it would just leave their heads spinning. I don't think normal people can listen to and enjoy this album. This is really for the critics only. It is only us, the big-brain gatekeepers who can truly decipher the hieroglyphic-type magic that is going on throughout this album.

However, I'm sort of wondering about the critical bona fides of... What is that again? Pitch... Fork? Given the state of this review right here that they seemingly have rushed out into the world for the new Will Smith album.

Now, unfortunately, I have to take time away from reviewing this, most likely 10 out of 10 project over here to stand up and defend this record's honor, as well as Will Smith's too in the process, and really lay down the law and read the riot act to Pitch... Fork. Yeah, to Pitchfork over here because this review is just way off base.

Now, as all of you guys should know by now, being big music fans yourselves, Will Smith is handily one of the biggest, greatest, and most influential rap artists of all time. There's really no questioning that. Will's impact on culture through acting, but especially music, was so great and immense and outsized throughout his career that he actually needed to slow down his musical output in order to give other rappers a chance to just catch up to his level of omnipresence, of artistry, of anything.

I mean, in fact, the only reason you see artists these days like a Kendrick Lamar, like a Drake, like a J. Cole is because Will has been so silent on the music front over the past 10 plus years.

You got to give the guy credit. Even though he could be basically blessing us every day with game-changing music, he's like, 'You know what? We got to let the little guys have a shot here. Give them a chance.' And it's that Godlike benevolence that, for me, has always put him on a pedestal over really everyone else in music point blank, period.

Which is why I was surprised to see this absolutely brutal review for William, a 2.4, which, again, was from Pitch... Pitchfork. And another thing I was shocked to find was that this 2.4 wasn't even out of five. It's a 2. 4 out of 10. I mean, at least acknowledge that the guy is maybe halfway there, not even a quarter.

Look, I'm going to have to go over some of the review here with you guys and really set the record straight on all of this because I just hate to see confusion out there when it comes to Will Smith.

All right, read it and weep. It's right here. Will Smith, based on a true story, 2. 4. With a little intro blurb over here written by Steven. Shout out to him. I know I disagree with a lot of his words over here, but I'm sure maybe there's some crazy music industry control thing going on here. His arm was probably twisted and he was forced to write these words because I know Steven, being a big passionate music fan himself, would never genuinely write these words from his heart.

But here we go. The review kicks off with Steven essentially saying that the Will Smith slap at the VMAs was a total and utter just nothing burger, and even the memes from it were mid. And then goes on to say, but somehow this headass moment became a nipple gate level event. Inseparable takes, flooded news feeds and opinion pages. Analysis (slightly) adjusted their valuations of the Smith family brand. Pearl Clutcher's lost feelings in their hands.

Okay, yes, there were all these cultural references to the slap around the time that Will Smith put his hand on Christopher Rock. And look, I understand if on a personal level, the slap culturally meant nothing to you. But for those of us who have our fingers on the pulse and actually have a heart, it meant a lot.

I mean, just speaking from personal experience, just walking around everyday interactions, people would piss me off or even just say hello to me. And honestly, I would slap them. I'd give them a little slap, slaparoony, right across the face. Hey, what's up? How's it going? Every time. With a high amount of regularity.

And you know what? That was just a part of my life. That was just my everyday routine. And then when I saw Will Smith slap Chris Rock on TV, and I saw the reaction, and I saw what happened, I was like, wow, is that what I've been doing to everyone?

And it caused me to have a coming-to-Jesus moment because, yes, in fact, that is what I was actually doing to people. I was in the wrong. You just shouldn't really be slapping people like that. And it took me seeing Will Smith doing it to be like, oh, okay, well, damn, that's just too much. That's not a thing you should do.

Yes, that whole thing was an important and a landmark moment for a lot of people, especially me. And so as a result, Will Smith should have full artistic license to explore that as a concept and an idea, and a teachable moment. Just slapping people because they made a cruel joke on national television is something that I just don't think we as a society, have collectively learned.

The review also goes on to say, Smith has always been a herb on wax, so some cheese is expected? I'm sorry. Have we been witnessed to the same career here? Please tell me one time in Will Smith's 30-plus years of rapping, he has been cheesy. You know what? Even put it down in the comments. Let's give it to the audience. I dare you. He even goes on to ridicule Big Willie for talking about him being canceled, which, yeah, he's allowed to because he then fixed his public image and redeemed himself.

The review then goes on to say that Will Smith is simultaneously diving into these experiences, wearing his heart on his sleeve about them, but also is too guarded. Which is it? Make up your mind. Is he sharing too much about his personal life in a way that's cringe and dumb, or is he not giving you enough?

Personally, as someone who has listened to the record 30 times so far, I think Will Smith has really done a deep dive on his emotions here in a way that is touching and beautiful, so much so that I haven't even been able to get through the album not one single time without crying my eyes out.

And then we go on to further tear Mr. Smith apart. Even though he's got nothing to say, Smith often tries to tease a rich inner and domestic life. "Personal life, with my wife, mind your business, it's complicated / All that matters is the fact that I'm still getting compensated."

Okay, I mean, is that not true? Are you debating that fact, good sir? All that matters to me is that Mr. Smith is getting compensated, even if his relationship with Jada is provably complicated, and she often likes to monetize those complications through books or content or other weird quotes that we just don't really need to know. But Will's over here suffering through all of that. Let him explore those feelings and talk about it in his own way.

And also, it's really cute that he has the ability at this point to shout out his wife on his album who clearly doesn't like him that much at this point. It's adorable, okay? Just let Will be a wife guy.

I can't even believe the review goes on to say that Will is just dealing in vague self-help bullshit on this thing, with a line like, "Been through trauma I thought I'd recover from / I got regrets, you heard about some of them." He says, conjuring imaginary hyperlinks under his lyrics... Okay, not only are there hyperlinks in this review, hypocritical much?

But also he talks about the controversies on the album. It's not like these things are imaginary. We know you also bring up some Joyner Lucas and Big Sean features as if they're bad things. Can't a man have friends? What are we doing here? Do we want Will to suffer through the male loneliness epidemic like the rest of us? Or do we want him to grow and heal and be a better person by having some buddies?

Nearly every creative choice Smith makes on this record prompts the question, 'Why is he doing this?' Why is he doing this? Why is he doing this?! Because he's exploring the human fucking condition, okay? Every time Will Smith puts pen to paper and opens his mouth right afterwards, I learn more about being a person. I'm sorry if that's not the same experience for you. We're all having it, just not you, apparently.

And I'm sorry, you bring up life going to keep life in, knife going to keep knife in, as if it's like a trash bar. That's poetry. Maybe if they came with an instruction manual, what Will Smith is saying here would have actually read for you.

But yeah, I'm sorry. I'm going off the deep end. I'm doing too much over here. I've completely lost it. After reading this, I just feel like, slap, slapping again.

No, No, no, no, no, Anthony, no! Take those Big Willie breaths, Anthony.

It's okay. It's going to be all right. It's going to be okay. It's just that seeing people beat up on Will Smith, it just doesn't sit right to me. It should absolutely, positively not be allowed ever.

But you know what? We live in a free country. Opinions are going to opinion, and that's totally fine. I need to come to terms with that and just think about the great life lesson that I learned from Will Smith: Don't slap people.

Anthony Fantano. Big Willie Style. Forever