Hey, everyone. Anthony Fantano here, the Internet's busiest music nerd. I hope you're doing well. No big extended intro or preface for this video you're about to watch right here. Long story short, my Instagram Reels algorithm continues to torture me with absolutely awful music. Or the greatest music ever recorded and posted to the Internet, depending on your perspective. And as long as that continues to be the case, I will force you through the same experience I'm having because let's be real, misery loves company.
Got to love a reel that starts with a question. "What comes to your mind upon hearing this?"
"Can you tell me how it feels? / I want to know if it's all real / but I'm not one to survive."
You know, I'm going to be honest here, and I'm going to say Daniel Johnston. I mean that wholeheartedly. It does have a quaint, weird, awkward, homespun Daniel Johnston vibe to it. I mean that unironically.
"Everyone calling us the new Nirvana." I guarantee you nobody is calling this band that regardless of what they sound like, they could be the most Nirvana, rip-off Nirvana band of all Nirvana, and not a single person would call this band that.
Literally no Nirvana song has opened up with those kinds of cords, that sort of guitar tone. If anything, the intro to this track sounds like "My Worst Enemy". Your Own Worst Enemy? "My Own Worst Enemy." If anything, this opening guitar bit sounds like Lit's "My Own Worst Enemy".
"I just fucked a girl, now I feel like Jackie Chan."
What?! I just fucked a girl, now I feel like Jackie Chan? Excuse me?! That's what Jackie Chan is famous for. That's one of the two or three things that everybody knows about that guy.
"I'mma fuck that bitch when I want 'cause I can / It's a Jakky world and I'm a Jakkyman / Did this is my own, the only way Jakky can / Did like 40 whip-its right out the Jakky can / Say hi to my haters I just call them Jakky fans"
Hair dye and social media were a mistake. Two of the worst things to happen to mankind.
"Wake up, I know now, things are not the same now / I could tell by the look on your face, all we had is gone now / I know I'm trying to hold on to someone I shouldn't let go"
Yeah, What gave it away? The fact that you're literally screaming and rapping in her face and you're being completely ignored?
Oh, man. Oh, boy. Oh, God. For anybody who is uninitiated, this is Sean Stephens. This guy is like a real king of the Reels music scene. He's like some green-haired, weirdo CEO or former CEO guy who's really trying to make it as a songwriter. But what's funny is that he just seemingly cannot stop pitching the same song to the internet about him being a rectangle. Yes, I am shitting you not. This man is obsessed with the idea that he is a rectangle, and this is somehow a representation of the fact that he doesn't fit in with the rest of the world, which he views as circular. I know I sound like I'm lying right now, but that is literally the lore behind this man.
You know this song? Okay, you know I know it, so why are you showing it to me again? Sean, he's a rectangle, he's a square, he's just down with any four-sided shape. I'm waiting for the Rombus song.
"Here we are, the circle view / the wander lost, the always blue / counting down to the ground / to the fact that we always knew."
Can this guy get his narrative straight? Do you identify with rectangles or do you identify with circles? Which is the in-group? Which is the out-group? Which one are you? Which one is me?
Dennis Quaid on Reels music? Legendary pull. Oh, my God. And not only Dennis Quaid, but it's like Christian acoustic rock? This is everything about the Reels esthetic collapsing onto itself just at the same time.
"What a friend we have in Jesus / All our sins and griefs today"
I'm not going to lie, the vocals aren't bad. The instrumental is very much giving like very bad midi instrumental that you find off the internet somewhere.
Okay, all right. More Reels lore. For anybody who isn't in the know, I guarantee you these guys together, this group of IT professionals, presumably, they're going to be the hottest, most popular alternative R&B group in the next 2-3 years. Mark my words.
"Don't die over it. / I'm just not over it"
Last week I saw some bro OD on the side of the road / His ID read: he was born August 17th '06"
I swear, the content some of these tracks start out with is just insane.
"I did cocaine-"
Okay, stop. These people want us to listen to their songs, but they're like, Hit me in the first few seconds with, "I did cocaine".
"I did cocaine to get through the hangovers / After a few too many, the cops became my chauffeurs."
Don't look at me like that. Don't give me those puppy dog eyes.
"Whether you feel like a he, they, or a she / your gender is valid to me / Whether you are trans or non-binary / your gender is valid to me"
My brother is based. "Me and my non-binary cousin were playing basketball when I surprised them with this." First off, you're playing basketball in a full-on winter coat? Number two, did you force your cousin to shoot shoot this video? Yeah, you were most definitely losing and you needed a way to end the game. "Your gender is valid to me-ah". He's hitting us with those ally bangers, with that really thick, deep, rich vibrato.
"There's a skibidi in my bed / Sigma's gooning in my head / Glizzy's all over the room / Fanum's taxing in the pool / I smell-"
Okay, what is it called when you're trying to be cringe on purpose in sort of like a self-aware way, but it's cringe anyway. I do it a lot, honestly. It's just cringe, I guess.
"Whisper in my ear and tell me what you're thinking / Girl, you always know I like the way you're speaking"
My man has that E-Yore flow.
"That little wink you do gets me every time / Golly, sweetie, take your time."
"Haters don't know me at all / You got ball, but I ain't going to fall / I'm not sorry I ethralled y'all / I had a waltz, now I'm back to maul / I hit a wall, I had to crawl / My bro German and I had a haul just to call / I almost lost it all, but Kenny stalled / I fell, I fell, I fell."
Yeah, I was sitting there through the whole thing just waiting for, I don't know, anything that sounded like it had any rhythm to it. Man, the beat on this thing didn't even have a rhythm.
Hey, I'm on Instagram looking at Reels. All you guys know the deal. I went to the aquarium, I saw a seal, and I felt myself to see if I'm real, and my favorite color is teal, banana peel.
All right, let's get one more in. I can already tell from the visual here, this is going to be a nightmare.
"Pressure's on, no return in the mouth of the madness / Sick 6th sense, brain dead, no sleep, drowning in the liquid room, pull a ticket"
Okay, I feel like this is what you would get if you crossed Corpse Husband with Tom MacDonald.
Ok. Alright. I'm done. I'm done. I've reached my peak. I've reached my limit. I cannot do any more. I cannot go any further into the Instagram Reels rabbit hole. So, sadly, we are going to end it there. Thank you.
What do you think?
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