Hi, everyone. Dogthony Bitetano here, the internet's busiest music nerd. It's time for a review, a critique, an assessment of the new Weeknd movie, Hurry Up Tomorrow.

Yes, I am talking about internationally known and beloved pop and R&B icon Abel Tesfaye, a.k.a. The Weeknd, and this new movie that he is in and has masterminded, titled after his latest full-length LP. I love that record and think pretty highly of it. Even if it is a very lengthy, demanding project, I think it's really one of Abel's best so far and is packed with some of the best songwriting and production of his entire career.

I think one of the things that makes this album cycle special for Abel is just the immense ambition that seemingly is going into every element of it. Because not only did this new album sound and run as if it were the album equivalent of a movie — I mean, it is about 90 minutes in length after all — but Abel has also gone through the effort to actually create a movie, a literal movie, out of this era of his career.

If you're a Weeknd fan, even a casual one, you know this is not Abel's first foray into movies and acting. You've obviously got soundtrack tie-ins like Fifty Shades of Grey, Uncut Gems, and that series that he had on HBO that was Flop McFlopperson.

I mean, in his albums and in his music career, it's very clear that the medium of film is a huge point of inspiration for Abel, and I love the way that manifests in his albums.

But being able to showcase the same level of talent and skill when it comes to actually executing the literal art form of film or acting, that continues to elude him. And I would say that is also the case for Hurry Up Tomorrow, which, I'm going to be frank, is one of the worst movie experiences I've had in the past several years.

I should also mention that the theater I saw this film in was completely and utterly empty. It was a bit of a late showing, nine o'clock or so, but you would expect for a film associated with one of the biggest music artists of our modern era, there would be more people showing up to see this, at least maybe even be a little bit curious about it; so far, the box office numbers have been pretty bad.

This film is so drawn out, boring, uneventful, and frankly, cringe at points. It's difficult to put into words or even know where to start because it's just so painfully devoid of anything substantive or meaningful.

And what things there are in the film that actually do maybe resonate a bit with me emotionally, I feel I could have already gotten that from Abel's music, and getting it from this movie just seems like I don't need it, it's a waste.

One thing I will say about this movie is that in a few scenes, there are some interesting visuals. Like during one of the live music performances or one of the big party benders Abel's on. Some of the weird, more surreal, freaky, and scary moments of the film where you're getting some very eerie stuff going on. A creepy girl in a tunnel. One moment in the film where Abel is literally replaying a moment on the record where he's describing having this near-death experience, almost drowning in a bathtub.

So yeah, there are a few genuinely freaky moments of the movie here and there — visually. Another compliment I could give the movie is that, again, there are a lot of narrative and conceptual parallels with the Hurry Up Tomorrow album, and I do appreciate that synergy.

But with that being said, this movie is so vapid and devoid of anything truly deep or interesting. I feel like the only reason this film exists is just for it to be this massive ego trip for Abel, for him to essentially spend 100 minutes making us watch him sniff his own farts.

Now, look, I'm not going to come on here and say Abel as an artist is terrible and trash and awful, like he doesn't deserve his flowers, he most certainly does. I mean, I've praised his music, especially as of late, on the channel with his recent releases. I think he's a talented singer, a talented songwriter. Abel's abilities and talent are very clear, are not really debatable. Which is why a movie that exists just to suck his dick is unnecessary.

There are so many lines and scenes in this movie, like one with Abel's friend and manager in the film, who's played by Barry Keoghan, where he's constantly hyping him up to a level where he's just like overselling him a bit: 'Oh, man, you're not even human. You're a God. You make them feel. Do you hear that crowd out there just roaring and cheering? That's for you — THAT'S FOR YOU! You've got to get out there and perform for the people! They love you, they love you so much! You make them feel — YOU MAKE THEM FEEL!' Like, please, stop. This is too goddamn much. Stop.

I will get into the ways in which Jenna Ortega's character basically is a vehicle to sell us this same narrative. But first, I want to say what this movie is trying to be. It's not actually this, but what it's trying to be in a way is this sad anti-hero's journey, a traumatic experience with an eventual lesson learned. But it fails at actually achieving that on so many levels.

I should specify that in this movie, Abel is like... He's just playing himself. He's just playing him. It's everyone else in the movie that's pretending to be people other than themselves. So Abel is himself in the movie, and the driver of the film is this idea that Abel is like a bad guy, he's a bad man. Which, if you've listened to or enjoyed any Weeknd songs over the course of his career, you probably know what the angle of that 'badness' is: 'Oh, he likes to party like crazy, and he does lots of drugs, and he's also really bad with women.'

Those are exactly the things this film uses to continue to paint Abel as a bad guy. However, we never see a point in the movie where Abel is being truly evil, or I would say even sadistic, or anything like that. There's not even a point, I would say, with the drugs, where he's really hitting rock bottom.

That's not to say in the film, it doesn't seem like he has a drug problem. Most certainly he does. But in part, the pressure to stay on this track of addiction feels, in the film, less on his shoulders and more due to the world around him. Barry's character, whom I was mentioning earlier, in a lot of respects, seems like his enabler.

So there's never a point in this respect where we see Abel really fighting with his problem or taking full ownership over how bad it's gotten. And as far as him being bad with women goes, this is also an issue the film doesn't really explore all that deeply, outside of showcasing that he's hung up over this girl who we never see shots or context for their relationship, or why it went south in the way that it did. We don't even know how it went south.

All we know is that through most of the film, he's trying to call her and get her on the phone and text her and get her to contact him, and she won't call him back, and it's driving him crazy.

And while, yes, it is true that Abel does come across quite toxic at a few moments of the film, like in one where he's chewing this girl out over a voicemail, and he throws his phone. 'He's so upset that he's been abandoned. Mommy, mommy, why did you leave me?' So he's just really hung up over this relationship that he cannot get back.

So, enter in who is essentially Abel's manic pixie nightmare girl, Jenna Ortega, who I think also serves as another vehicle to just give Abel this massive ego trip. Because not only are you writing one of the most in-demand and popular actresses in the industry today, to just be totally obsessed with you for pretty much no reason, right after watching you flop on stage during a live performance. She literally hunts him down to see him after he messes up on stage. They instantly fall for each other, and she's not just obsessed with him, but also obsessed with his art and his music.

In fact, there's a painfully awkward part, which I feel like Jenna Ortega deserves an Oscar for this, because I don't know if there's another actress who could have pulled this off.

Abel is literally sitting across from her in a hotel room, and he's like, 'You want to hear something?' And then he proceeds to play her a demo of a song from his phone, which you would think, on some level, with Abel being a music mega star, maybe would make that scenario less awkward and terrible to sit through, but it doesn't.

You could be the biggest music star in the world, but playing groupies, demos off your phone in a hotel room after you brought them there is still cringe.

From here, the movie pretty much goes into crazy cuckoo wah wah wah land, which, let me say, up to this point, it's been pretty dreadfully boring. You would think maybe a very chaotic and eventful final leg for such a film would actually make it worthwhile and interesting. But in fact, it doesn't. It just seems like the movie goes nuts with no real purpose or true message in sight, as the entire thing devolves into this complete rip-off of films and film adaptations such as Misery, as well as American Psycho.

Because after their little chance meeting in a hotel room, Abel decides, 'Hey, I've got to go. I've got to go do the rest of my tour. See you later. I'm peaceing out.' Jenna Ortega starts freaking out. This leads to her assaulting him and pretty much tying him to the bed and holding him hostage in the hotel room.

She's holding him captive until he tells her 'the truth'. I mean, yes, it is clear that the movie is very much about these demons in Abel's life and head that he's not really addressing or dealing with in any way. And that he actually needs to do that in order to truly find love and stability. But compartmentalizing that into Jenna Ortega holding him captive and saying, 'You have to tell me the truth,' is just awful writing.

Abel essentially reacts to her like she's crazy, and that he doesn't know what to say or how to respond to this. Jenna starts essentially interrogating him using his music, again, American Psycho style, playing it off like a Bluetooth speaker, and then going over the songs, reviewing them, assessing their lyrical content, and really sussing out the 'deeper meaning' of all these tracks.

But what's hilarious about this scene is not only does it last way too goddamn long and just pretty much serves as an excuse to put more of Abel's music in the film, but also the stuff Jenna Ortega is describing about the lyrics and the meaning of these tracks. These things are not subtext, these things are the text.

Like, Jenna Ortega's character is not unlocking the fucking Da Vinci code, looking at Abel's songs being like, 'Oh, this song about sadness and separation and isolation.' Like, girl, we know. These are not hidden characteristics of Abel's music that nobody's getting.

I mean, sure, Abel has been writing music, as of late, that goes in more of just a general pop direction. And he has lots of songs under his belt that have reached a level of casual popularity that, sure, there are likely lots of people hearing these tracks, listening to them, enjoying them idly, and not really thinking about what they're about.

But that level of unfamiliarity or lack of understanding can really only come with maybe having heard a few Weeknd songs in passing or having just a few Weeknd songs in a playlist that you come back to again and again on a regular basis, and that's it.

If you've ever heard one single Weeknd album from front to back, you know what this man is about thematically. He has made the drugs and the sex and the bad relationships, and the toxic behavior his entire brand for over a decade now. Again, these things that are being described are not hidden gems in the Weeknd's lyrics. And the tracks she brings up to illustrate these points are not even really deep cuts. Like, are you even a fan?

In fact, one hilarious part about this scene is that I feel like it's also used to illustrate Abel's dissatisfaction with the fact that the song "Gasoline" didn't pop off commercially in the way that he wanted to.

Jenna is playing it and calling it a flop, but also describing it as a track that 'you don't really get unless you're really a Weeknd fan. It's like, oh, man, it's for the true Weeknd fans. It's way too weird and out there for people to get.' When, like, I don't know, maybe people just don't like the way his vocals sound weird on that song, maybe that's it.

So, yeah, we have to sit through Jenna Ortega dancing and lip-syncing to Abel's songs and also explaining to us how deep they are, even though she's just describing the stuff that is very obviously what they're about.

She essentially puts Abel in this life-or-death choice where he has to 'tell the truth' and be truthful and be honest and communicate with her, or just burn to ash. Big moment of the film, the big realization here.

Abel cannot tell the truth. He is not capable. He cannot be a truthful guy, at least in a direct communication sense. So what he does instead is he sings the truth, and does a lengthy close-up shot in his face a cappella performance of a track that, frankly, I love from his newest record, that he just ruins. I will forever associate it with this awful scene now. He's like, 'I'm Sorry'.

The 'honesty' he's showcasing here essentially moves Jenna Ortega to free him. And then immediately after, he leaves the hotel room. And as he's walking, he just appears back in the green room that the whole movie fucking started in, making it clear that Jenna Ortega and this whole experience, was just a figment of his goddamn imagination.

She's like his Tyler Durden, which is just such a weird twist for this movie to take because who or what was Jenna Ortega supposed to be? Is she just like his imagined love interest? Is she actually him, with the way that she describes how she identifies with the music that he plays her? Is she... Mommy?

It becomes clear that there's a weird codependent thing going on with Abel's relationships that she sort of fills in for a moment. It's hard to put into words just how silly the ending of this movie is.

And again, the only reason this film exists is just to jerk Abel off. I'm sorry, sounds terrible to put it that way, but it is genuinely just an ego trip. And I don't want to step on or prevent the man's creativity or anything like that, but once again, we have been shown that film, acting, it's just not his strong suit.

And I don't know, maybe that'll change at some point in the future, but this film is not giving me any hope.

So yeah, I had an awful time watching this movie. I recommend that you don't waste your time unless maybe you want to get together with a few people and have a giggle, but it's pretty awful. It's pretty bad.

If you've seen this movie, let me know what you think down in the comments.

Anthony Fantano, The Weeknd, Forever.