Poetry. Hi, everyone. Anthony Fantano here, the internet's busiest music nerd. It's time for a review of the new Taylor Swift album, The Tortured Poets Department.

This is the latest and 11th full eighth album from singer and songwriter, Ms. Taylor Swift, who has been on a massive run over the last several years of her career between her indie folk sister albums, Folklore and Evermore, which received received a bounty of critical acclaim to her commercially triumphant return to pop on the following album, Midnights, not too long ago.

Taylor is also currently knee-deep in her Taylor's Version series where she is re-recording all of her older albums on her past label, so she owns the masters of them, which is just more money in her pocket. And speaking of money, there's also the Eras Tour and Eras Tour film, which globally has generated billions of billions of dollars in revenue. Taylor is currently at a level of stardom that in today's music industry is just unmatched and untouchable.

I went into this new record here wondering how that would be reflected in her work. Because historically, Taylor is an artist whose current state very much shows up in her work, whether we want it to or not, whether it's through the versatility and creative freedom that she was exploring on Lover, her first record when she came off of her label, Big Machine. I'm sure many of us remember just how bitter and petty and incensed she was over her public image on Reputation, presumed to be the next record she'll take on in her Taylor's Version series, which would be fitting, if true, because I feel like Taylor is in a similar place emotionally with this record.

Now, The Tortured Poet's Department would not be the first time Taylor has taken on the role as a woman scorned, heartbroken, and torn apart. But now that we are there again, Taylor is drinking from that well harder than ever like a dehydrated camel, which is saying something because she has a reputation for dropping a breakup song or two. But this time I would say it's different. She's going to new lengths because in the abstract, of course, there's nothing wrong with penning musical screeds about your exes, even multiple times over, especially when you are provably great at it. I mean, Taylor is just in her bag creatively when there is an ex to be mad at, which is why The Tortured Poets Department should be great, but it's not. And there's a laundry list of reasons why.

Firstly, there are numerous tracks on this thing with tedious pacing, flabby song structures, very indulgent as far as length goes, like why make "Who's Afraid Of "Little Old Me" five minutes when you get the point across in half the time. Not to mention that the two-hour length of the Deluxe version of this record is a bit daunting, and I usually do like long albums.

Secondly, the endless strings of metaphors and similes across the lyrics on this record just fall flat. I mean, for example, the worst part of "Down Bad" isn't the soon-to-be-dated lingo that the title is based on. No, it's the fact that this scenario, for whatever reason, drove Taylor to tie in all of these themes of alien abduction. She's really just forcing it.

Thirdly, the writing quality on these tracks really makes it difficult to feel for Taylor in the midst of all of this heartbreak because some of the most telling moments on the record actually come across like inadvertent self-owns. Even on one track I actually enjoy "The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived," Taylor sings, "You said normal girls were boring / but you were gone by the morning." Kind of seems like he was admitting something there. Why? Why is it not clicking?

Fourth reason this record is really falling short is that Taylor hasn't really taken the time conceptually or sonically to formulate a new sound, a new direction, a new evolution to coincide with this latest album cycle, which she usually does with her new albums. And as a result, the material on this record in the broader pop landscape sounds derivative, sounds redundant, sounds uninspired. She clearly has not had enough downtime in between re-recording records, writing new stuff, touring to actually formulate something refreshing. And I think she's closing those creative gaps by copying her contemporary's homework or just not worrying about how common what she's saying and what she's singing, what she's writing is.

Like with "But Daddy, I Love Him," Ariana Grande already wrote the angry at my audience for dragging me over my boyfriend Anthem of the Year with "Yes, And?" What Taylor has delivered over here is a much more awkward experience. The song "I'm Going To Get You Back" that is on the Deluxe version of this record, Olivia Rodrigo literally did this same wordplay concept on "Get Him Back" with her latest record. Did Taylor not think we were going to notice? Or figure out that Olivia did it better.

The lyrics on the title track read like an attempt at some chaotic slice of life situation storytelling that you might get out of a Phoebe Bridgers song, something along those lines, just spilling out all these internal thoughts like, "Who uses typewriters anyway?" And, "Oh, you smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate / We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist." I can't imagine being this vapid on a song and then in the same track, declaring that you have the foresight and the awareness to know what is better for your ex and that nobody is going to love them in the way that you love them.

There's also "Florida" as well as "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me," where Taylor cannot help herself from ripping off Lana Del Rey again and again and again, not only lyrically, but vocally and melodically. And this time, thanks to Jack Antonoff, she's having him pull together these big orchestral hits of guitars and whatever other layers he's stringing together, too. I can see why Taylor is daring her contemporaries to come for her job at the very end of "I Can Do It With A Broken Heart," because if I was this lacking in new, fresh ideas, I would feel paranoid, too.

What number reason am I on for why this album stinks? Another thing about this record is that it is uncharacteristically sloppy for Taylor in terms of songwriting execution. And what I mean by that is the tracks we're hearing on this record feel not so much like songs as much as it feels like Taylor is just spilling tea. I mean, for sure it's true that Taylor is one of the most obsessed over stars on the planet. I know way more things about her than I would like to, from her dating history to her flight itinerary. But this is like the general information that's floating around about her online on any given day.

And look, chances are were going to, regardless of the content on this album, put two and two together and figure out that a great deal of the songs on this LP are, in fact, about the singer, songwriter Matty Healey of The 1975, and the very short-lived public relationship that he and Taylor shared not too long ago. That was going to come out regardless. But what reads as weird is that she's not even trying to hide it, from the tattoos to mentions of his polarizing personality to this sad self-sabotaging artsy boy archetype that is portrayed on this record. She even makes mention of his past struggles with drugs, including heroine, which in that instant, she paraphrases him on the track "The Alchemy" in a way that makes him worthy of a writer's credit. "He jokes that it's heroine / but this time with an E." Genuinely wittier than most of Taylor's attempts at wordplay on this record.

The point is Taylor is so desperate to make these connections for her fans that she's forgotten that sometimes there is strength in subtlety. If you think I'm lying or making things up here, just look at the fact that she capitalized the letters K, I, and M in the title of the song about Kim Kardashian, "thanK you aIMee." Bam. Guess who this song is about?

At this point, despite Taylor constantly portraying the world as being very much against her, the biggest threat to her public image is actually her. She clearly wants the world to know how deeply obsessed she is with a man and a relationship that seemed doomed from the start and also led to some of the biggest PR nightmares of her career.

She also seems to want her haters to have a point when they talk about her being drunk on her own tears by writing and releasing some of her most narcissistic songs to date. "If you wanted me dead / you should have just said," "I was gentle till the circus life made me mean." Let's not forget lines about her coming down from gallows and being raised in an asylum. Oh, and also, "So tell me everything is not about me / but what if it is?" Which I've not had a heartier laugh at an album in 2024 than right there with that line.

I think the final reason as to why this record for me is such a miss is the production from Jack Antonoff, who, I think to put it bluntly, she needs to stop working with him or they just need to take a break because they're creative partnership on this record is not yielding the results it used to. I mean, it wasn't enough that we got smothered in boring toothless synth-pop that was so damn washed out with overcooked vocals to on Midnight. But we're now getting multiple instrumentals on this record here that feel like Midnight's leftovers, but worse. Or it's just Jack forcing some awful '80s pastiche onto Taylor's songs that make them sound dated upon impact. And it's a mismatch, too, because I feel like at their core, there are so many songs on this record that are just dying or screaming to be country songs, or at least have some bright guitars and punchy drums, backing instrumentation that sounds lively and youthful, like that of an album such as Fearless.

I'm thinking about "Guilty as Sin" or "Clara Bow" or "Fresh Out the Slammer," which already has the twangy guitars at the start, or even "But Daddy, I Love Him," which would absolutely work given just how brash and immature and playful the writing on that track is. The fact of the matter is Jack's work with Taylor is just not as refreshing as it used to be, whether it's the random bloopy bleepy synth bits at the start of "So Long, London" or the dance beats that break into "I Can Do It With A Broken Heart." They sound like the frigging Blue Man Group, which is a shame because that truly is one of the better songs on this record.

So I don't think Jack is bringing his best work, and I don't think Taylor is bringing her best work either. And while I understand there, of course, will be fans who will defend this record until the death, admiring how vulnerable and unfiltered it is. That's also the problem because this album is also very unedited. It's also very unchallenged.

The opening track, "Fortnight," for example, I think is one of the best pics you could get off this record for a single. But Post Malone feels like he's just filling a void performance-wise. There are any number of dudes you could put into this song and you would get roughly the same experience out of it. Maybe Charlie Puth should have been on it. "My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys" has one of the clunkiest choruses and titles on the entire record. It's like Taylor is trying to shoot her own song in the foot here by packing it with so much verbiage that it's not likely to have any hit potential.

There's also "So Long, London," which I'm sitting here scratching my head thinking, What is this? The track is just constant tension and escalation without any release. It really goes nowhere fast. We also have "Florida," which there is no musical idea on this record. More hair more hairbrained than putting Taylor on the same song as Florence Welch, which I love her voice, and I like Taylor's voice as well. I enjoy both their vocal styles, respectively, but they don't mix together. It's like oil and water. Or hearing a tricked-out New Age synthesizer rig, fighting against a cello. Not to mention the song reads like a bad tourism ad or just something that you had to be there for, "At a time share in Destin," Jesus.

Meanwhile, "I Can Fix Him" reads more like a whisper, quiet diatribe than a song. The track sticks out for all the wrong reasons, given lyrics about being able to handle a dangerous man, which, narratively, that's clearly not how the album pans out. The song does little to explain exactly how silly and futile this mindset is.

"Love of My Life," though, in my opinion, is one of the best clear-cut ballads on the entire record, even if the piano parts are a little basic. But it is really the most moving and compelling song on the entire album about a relationship not really working out. There's something very beautiful about its simplicity, its starkness, its breathy dramatic vocal delivery, "Images of dancing phantoms on the terrace / being second-hand embarrassed." Clearly, they are reacting to every other moment on the album, not this one. But at least on this track in the lyrics, Taylor is also mature enough to admit that the relationship this track is about is dead and that it was counterfeit and fake anyway, not likely to work out. To me, moments like this is really where Taylor proves her worth as a songwriter, not when she's giving us messy play-by-plays about how she's venting to Jack and venting to Lucy.

I mean, I think there's a difference between enjoying Taylor's albums for their music and their performances and their narratives or enjoying them because you're deeply entrenched in the Taylorverse and you're obsessively combing through the lyrics on each song like the convoluted plot of the 30th Marvel sequel. The Tortured Poets Department very much appeals in the latter fashion here, which is why I'm feeling...

Forever.